my secret

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

wow.. it's so late now and i just got home.. haha... anyway... hada blast... i met up with sis and mother at 5 to play pool. then mother had to go home.. shan went up to k pool to look for us. then us we are on the way there i saw farhan.. the N.A. one. not my class one. den later saw izzat and irfan and daniel. all of them were heading to esplanade too! so we went together. when we waited for the train we saw slyvia,si min and alice. we ask them to come along.. woo hoo they did! haha. we reached city hall and it was cramped like crack. haha.. we all squeezed together.. blangah happily take advantage...yuck! den later we all finally squeeze to esplanade.. many things happen along the way but shall not eleborate on that.. it's too long. we went there and tried to squeeze in. beil didnt believe that the fireworks will be at the explanade. he kept asking if i was sure. den his gf ask me how i know. and simple. i do read you know. i read the papers. and he stare at me as if i dont look like i could read. wahaha. anyway. me and ying danced to the music but none followed. den suddenly farhan(my class) and the whole trojen gang came.. whao... but we went different ways. we all held onto each other to not get lost. we saw aizzat and nisa. wow wow. haha.. we tried entering the open space but couldnt. finally beil made a way for us. we all pass through but suddenly alice si min and sylvia was blocked by an ass hole who didnt want to move. he nearly scolded them. if he did i would have quarreled with him! damn it! asshole! later on we met fau and shahiran and asnim.. me and sis dance and dance and dance. sis kept trying to make them dance. but couldnt. we tickled dan and he "danced" haha.. asnim ask me to dance with him but i was like. no way... on my mind was like.. that is so liu li's ex. wahaha. den farhan(na) kept doing his sexy dance haha... dance like a horny girl!! hahaha.. really you should've seen him.. wahaha. den the fireworks.. no words can discribe it. it's so beautiful.. so.. WOW! really hada fun time. wanna know more ask me. and ya.. on the bus to go and eat got this stupid indian tried to flirt with me. keep doing his stupid "dian" eyes at me.. i kept blinking away lorx. so yucky.. sis.. thank you once again for protecting me. couldnt have done it without you. i was so petrified. horrendous man. haiz.. edwin. i've nothing to say. my heart really aches. i saw aizzat and nissa kissed under the fireworks and it make me break down and cry. but i wipe it away b4 anyone couldve seen it. haiz.i wished so much you were there shieding me from all those dirty stares of evil men. but only sis blocked me. i was not protected.haiz... i feel really sad now. wanna wither away.

haiz.. i saw hazig and saiful there too. met this new girl. we get to know each other. her name is farah. she was really friendly. kinda like her. as a friend you know wat i mean. i mean some malay girls are really bitchy.. but she's like the outgoing girl who doesnt matter whether i'm chinese.i like her.. really i do. :)

haiz.. edwin... i think you're not reading this either. haiz. when was the last time you saw my blog? last mth? haiz... i feel sick now. wanna faint. wish i will.

you might say im crazy,
you might think i'm blind.
it aint easy being your lady,
and my heart isnt fine.

you left me again,
crying deep inside.
maybe i'm to blame,
for my feelings that i hide.

i wanna see you happy,
even if it's with someone else.
then forget me slowly,
and let me cry to myself.

i dont wanna let you go,
and i know it's selfish.
but i wanna let you know,
that it is you i'd miss.

if you love me no more,
i'll still wont give up.
you may ask what for?
i'll tell you i'd try my luck.

maybe one day,
you'd remember me.
but now my heart shall lay,
till you use the key.

i cant live if you're not happy,
i cant live if you cry.
but i'll learn to live without you,
if it makes you smile.

so edwin my love,
remember what i've said.
maybe i'll be up above,
when i end my life and become dead.

but do know i love you,
and that i always will.
please believe it's true,
i beg you as i kneel.

i'm just going away for a while,
to let you find your way.
i'm sorry to give you this only now,
but i hope you'll treasure me one day.

if even you need me,
i'll be right here.
pick you up with bended knees,
and fight away your fears.

but if one day in the future,
you find another girl.
please hold me near,
as i will be too frail.

and if you really love her,
i'll understand.
but you'll always be my dear,
the angel god sent.

darling... i hope one day you look back and wont regret being with me. i might not be perfect enough for you and couldnt give you wat you wanted and couldnt satisfy you. but what i did was that i gave you 100% of my love. my true love. i'm not saying i'm great. but if you leave. i pray that the new girl will love you like i did. and i hope she's thousand times better. haiz. i dont wanna type further. i need to go and cry.bye.haiz...

Thursday, July 21, 2005

WOW! today was really great... i woke up feeling so excited... went to school as normal and quickly changed into my cheong sum! i bought it at china town ya... a long green one... it was beautiful.. wanna thank my darling for following me.. hee hee...

anyway i took a hell lot of pictures! whoo hoo! mrs julie tay say's she like my heels... and so does miss jennifer chua. she just suddenly tap me on my shoulder and said : "your heels a very very nice!" den she smile and walked away.. haah! yes i so loved my heels... i've got taste ya... it was ex ok... i got it from swank... hee hee... ok well i took many pics with sis yiwen kah wai my son chocolate milk(susu) wahaha... mr foo mr goh.. reinald... and so much more... also got a henna drawn... fun day... i won the neighbour's game.. something like bingo.. hee hee.. manage to answer many question... whooo hooo! hee hee... over joyed... well adeline didnt come! what a waste! i took a picture of the dentist.. i also took with him!! adeline is so gonig crazy now! jealous my girl? haahahh....

it was really fun today and we manage to go off early for ec as we all did our work well... wrote so fast man... miss winnie tan even asked me if i'm tired of wearing such a high heels... hahaah... seems to be attracting alot of attention... -_-"" hahaha... anyway... no one wore a green cheong sum.. cool rite? i so love green.. wanted to be unique! something different.. that's why opt for jade green.. plus point is i love green alot! wahaha... it's an outrages colour for girls i feel... i want to be advanturous!

well.. i totally enjoyed today... oh ya... our grad nite theme is superstars.. as in celebraties.. not that chinese singing competition.. wahaha... it's like you could come dress up like elvis or britney or whatever.. ahahah... i'm so excited.. it's like time flies so fast... o level is coming soon already... and grad nite will be here soon! ah oh my goodness! it is so fun!!! whahah! i'm so excited!!! whaahah....

yupzzie.. winzzy is getting his laptop soon! i'm so happy for you my love... hope you'd like it.. hee hee... anyway..dada's b'day is coming le... what should i get him? think think think... MP3? :D

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

i really seriously dont understand... haiz.. yes you must not be a dan xiao gui( scardy cat) but neither should you become like some big gangster right? i really dont get you.. why cant you just know when is the time to stand up and when is the time to lie low.. if you say i asked you to skip classes you didnt.. but for yourself to not pay you can disobey... and i really dislike you always saying i support them instead of you.. i dont support anyone.. i'm telling you the truth.. yes i do give the worst case outcomes but i mean we have to think ahead what... there's alot of what if... you see you have to learn now before it gets a little bit too late... you cant behave like this next time when you have a job can you? i'm sure you're going to say" when i'm working i wont be this way" but once you get used to it.. it'll be difficult to change already... i really dont know.. you've changed so much ever since you go to school... you're so influence by your new friends to just dont bother about important things... you're so stuck out with your new life now... it's like a country boy who goes to a city to work and come back a changed man... and you've become too arrogant.. yes i'm your girlfriend.. but i wont support you on things that isnt good... just like ninjado.. i wont support you.. if you can say me that i dont support you.. have you asked yourself why? do you think that i just anyhow give my support.. you have to gain it just like how you should gain respect from people by respecting them... i hope you think things over... you were so nice that sunday.. i thought the real you finally returned... but you go back again to these ways... i really cant believe or trust on the sweet side of you... i used to be soft hearted to easily think you finally can get things in your head.. kept thinking you really were sincere... but why? why must you turn out to be like this again.... haiz...

once bitten twice shy. thrice bitten sure die...(Iain)

Thursday, July 07, 2005

haiz.. my heart is so broken beyond discription.. the pain... is unbearable.. it aint drama.. haiz... i just ... haiz...i feel so sadden... as there wasnt a reaction from you even when i'm crying my heart out right in front of you.. i know you're numb.. i tot we're ok already... haiz.. maybe it's part of my wishful thinking... haiz.. even if not a boyfriend just a friend will also stop saying nasty things when people cry... but i was crying there while you say nasty things... i'm.. i'm.... haiz.... my heart is very broken... i dont think i can speak again... it's so hard to breathe... i'm crying my eyes out too much.. it has been more then a week..

SOMEBODY! lend me a shoulder to cry on... cuz i dont have that power to even cheer myself up when no one can... i tot i wont ever have to result to that method ever since i've got you.. but.. haiz... i ate black forest too many times le... someone... just anyone... pls... just be here for me... and if possible.. let me cry on you while you give me your loving comforting words...

I DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE , BUT I'M WITH YOU....

watever... i hate today... i just dont want to talk anymore... loose all my happy feelings...cant feel good or nice or whatever there is to be left positive... i wished it all away... whatever... i want to hope.. but today was to horrendours to hope for anything... i'll just wait.. damn.. gotta do ben's work tonight.. he'll be back tomorrow... man.... gotta do the work FAST! haiz... i'm so moody right now i could eat a doughnut... arhz!!! i dont know anymore... i hope you can help me in what i'm going through right now.. damn my life sucks...

Monday, July 04, 2005

hmmm.... my feelings now very mixed up.. should i be thankful or happy? i dunno le... haiz.. i hope we can start working things out from now.. i've decided to be more open to possibilties... haiz... i'm sorry for what i've said and done.. but i hope you'd also know what you have done...haiz.. if work things out means we both get to say and do lorx... not like i do everything you say it's right... i mean... i really dun understand you sometimes... cuz what you say abit no sense sometimes la... haiz.. anyway.. i just hope things would go fine from now on.. maybe if we just keep somewords unspoken things would be better.. let's just dont say any nasty and hurtful things ok? we mite quarrel.. and maybe alot.. but if we can solve it together means we have overcome an obstacle! and by these we mite grow stronger.. if we keep just saying it's over.. den nothing will be solve.. if all your relationship next time gt quarrel.. den you want to say it's over? den wouldnt it be like you mist find a relationship that you will never quarrel den you all won end? haiz.. maybe by quarreling we get to understand each other more.. it's better den hiding all inside and one day all the surprises comes out.. do you agree? i hope so... hee hee... haiz.. just hope next time you'd see this on a wider view lorx... hee hee... ok la... better not say le.. later you sulk sulk.. boo boo boo..

Sunday, July 03, 2005

haiz.. my mind says to me that it's over.. but my heart says otherwise... which should i believe? i always follow my heart.. but it takes me to a broken place.. where should i go? what should i do? should i continue to hope.. or shall i let go and move on.. but it aint easy.. cuz i dont want it to be easy.. anyway.. i guess you really wan us to be over.. haiz.. i have to surpress my tears.. family around.. cant cry.. hurts not too.. just weep away in the heart.. with no one here for me..it's no point hoping and crying that you will start to realise what you've just let go.. i knoe i'm not very much treasured.. haiz.. i dont knoe how to move on.. my motivation in study all is going down.. aint no meaning to life anymore.. shall just waste it all away.. cant believe this is happening.. i dont understand.. maybe i should have not let myself fall so hard for you.. then it wont be so painful right now... look at me.. i look fine.. but i'm broken inside.. no one saw my sorrow.. not even you.. i wish someone to shoot me in the heart and tell me it's over for me in love.. i dont wanna love again.. cuz everytime i do.. the guy breaks my heart.. each step i take the earth breaks..and i fall to the pit.. maybe i should really end myself.. there's no meaning of living on.. no point no goal.. haiz.. i dont no what my heart wans to do.. maybe i'm just hopelessly devoted to you.. but it's cruel to my heart... the scar is still here... and everytime people ask me about it.. i have to lie.. but the pain of why i did it still stands.. cant hide away from it.. till the end of my life the scar remains.. and shall never forget why it was there... all i wan to let you know is that i will always love you even when i'm gone away from this world.. i hope the girl you find will love you as much as i'm always loving you.. maybe you cant see it in me.. but maybe with her.. you can see... i knoe you no longer love me as much.. even if you do.. it's like a small bit only.. i'm just sorry if i have wasted a period of your time.. it's time for me to get off of this face of the earth.. goodbye my love.. shall always love you.. hope you find happiness without me..

the flame of the fire,
hurts my skin so much.
death is now my desire,
which i will touch.
you left me,
but i still love you.
you took the door key,
and walked right through.
you left me there,
broken inside.
leaving with no care,
as i held hope so tight.
thought you'd be back,
but i'm lying to myself.
reality is the fact,
and it destroys my health.
now that you're gone,
and me alone.
we both were wrong,
but there's no ringing on my telephone.
maybe you made up your mind,
to come back? never.
but for the last time,
i will love you forever.

goodbye my love..

Saturday, July 02, 2005

well first of all, it has come to my attention that my music dont work.. so i've decided to take action. i found out that my music was hidden and needed to be clicked in order to play.. as my blog is a "dark" site, i used my chemical romance song : Helena. but i thought of something.. what if You the readers of my blog prefer a different song? i want to make that the reading of my blog is a leasureable one thus i've put a new music system so you can your own song! GREAT? am i a genius or what? okay.. shall not crap too much..

ok.. the papers have been writing alot of articles on one blogger.. which is known as sarongpartygirl, FYI she's the one who posts nude pictures of herself on her blog BUT has taken it down on account to her love ones. what was your reaction when you heard about this?shocked?outraged?not surprising? well each of us has our own view. for me.. i was surprised that one whould do such a thing.. but i was not at all outraged by it.. in fact this lady has my repect. She treats her body like a temple, and she loved it and is not ashame. i'm not saying that whoever poses nude gains my repect but this lady(sarongpartygirl) is just being who she is and bearing her true self. God created our body.. we are his art work.. she's just one particular creation who just aint shame about showing this masterpeice. i'm quite sadden that denise keller disses her, she's one good VJ and should have been more open since she's from MTV.

Yes in times we need to be conservative. i know i am one.. and that's why i admire those who are more open.. open to facts that cant be ignored or denied.There's a difference in being open minded and dirty minded. If i say i think SEX is great, would you say i'm open or would you be like some childish singaporeans saying " EeEeE you're so pervertic!" ? if it's so, are your parents pervertic then? they had sex to give you life? so what? they had unpleasurable sex?although i'm still a virgin and shall remain one till marriage, that dont mean i'm abnormal and hate sex. i made this decision because i want to make the man i'm going to marry in the future know that i've been saving it for him. It's a big sacrifice you know.. it's like a world without pleasure!

We are singaporeans, and many calls us Asians. Does Asians stands for achieving sex is a #1 sin?
Why are we so close minded, look at the caucasians, most of them are open minded but here? if you have sex people look down on you.. disses you call you cheap. having sex is not being cheap a sult and a whore is really the cheap ones.. but if you have sex out of passion (even b4 marriage) it doesnt stick a sign labelling you cheap. i encourage the new generation of singapore and rest of the asian countries to take a step forward on becoming open minded but with maturity.. not be dirty but open to views and facts that sexuality cant be denied.. whether you or me is going to be more open minded or not, so long if things happen just keep our mouth shut for we dont have a right to judge people due to things we are not open about.

To sarongparty girl: i neither fully supported what you did nor totally condamn what you did but i feel that you're strong to withstand what people say about you. you have my support on being open and am very glad to hear you took it down on account to your love ones, you have my respect and also i love the way you write, many people are able to see the flaws in others easily.. but seldom do people see the good side of a person.. you are very knowledgable and it shows in your writing.. i wish you all the best in your future and hope people will stop dissing you..

well that's all for today i guess.. lazy to do my homework and all.. i'm hungry.. where's my dinner?!?!?!?!?!

Artist: colin raye
title: love me
I read a note my grandma wrote back in nineteen twenty-three.
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me
. he said,"boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but i loved your grandma so.

"We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together.
Get married in the first town we came to, and live forever.
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead
Of her, i found this letter, and this is what it said

:If you get there before i do,
don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long i'll be.
But i'm not gonna let you down,
darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till i see you again,I'll be loving you.
love, me.

I read those words just hours before my grandma passed away,
In the doorway of a church where me and grandpa stopped to pray.
I know i'd never seen him cry in all my fifteen years;
But as he said these words to her, his eyes filled up with tears.

If you get there before i do,
don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long i'll be.
But i'm not gonna let you down,
darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till i see you again,I'll be loving you.
love, me.
Between now and then, till i see you again,I'll be loving you. love, me.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

okie..first up my mood now is like.. tense... i dont know why.. am i worried? yeah.. hell lot of worries for many aspect... haiz... anyway.. just wanna tell you that i'm sorry if my concern is to overbearing... just didnt want people to step all over you.. but IF you see it like i put your friends on a bad light then i'm sorry.. overall if you want to continue that way i cant stop you.. it's your life not mine.. was just being concern.. it's alrite.. hope you'll be fine...well maybe it's better not for me to say things to help.. probably is more of a hindrance.. i'm sorry.. shall not say anymore.. guess your mature and able to think and fend for yourself.. maybe i'm over concern.. i guess i need to tone down and just try not to be so paranoid.. maybe i should have heed that hint right from the beginning of our relationship... that you needed space..

well well..today school was fine and i was every ready attentive.. very inspired by miss winnie tan motivational talk today and i want to follow the mindset of adam khoo.. well i may not acheive greatly like him.. hey wait... i can and i will.. the road to success has to start with belief.. and i shall believe in myself that i am able to get the results i wan.. my aim is to get a 14 point! i will do it.. although lazziness is one of my obstacle.. i shall not be pressed down by it but shall rise to the moment and do whatever i can with whatever i have.. i am determine and i am hardworking.. i want to do well for the best of my future! and i know i am able to make it!

the only thing that can stop me from reaching my aim is me.. nothing else! i must defeat pessimistic side of me and let my optimism conquer my mind and soul! nothing can bring me down!

Friday, June 24, 2005

haiz.. okie.. i know.. i will leave you alone.. haiz.. maybe i'm irritating... haiz..
nvm.. it's okie... i'll just... hang around alone... well.. on line..see you on line.. had to pretend yer not there... it hurts... haiz..

well..talking to keith now... asking me where to buy white pants? weird? hm.m.m maybe... well.. yeah told him where and stuff... told him go bridal shop to rent one... :D go this his church? see him get comfirm? very motherly... that's wat i feel... well.. his church is saint micheal i know where it is!! been there.. well not inside.. but outside.. lalala... h.m.m having a spinning head ach now.. feel like telling ben i cant finish my work.. but that's like such a lazy excuse... but haiz.. really no mood to do work? haiz... feel like telling keith about wat's on my mind.. but haiz.. shall just keep quiet.. shall just keep my own probs to myself... haiz...

haiz... keep looking at yer nick.. somehow it's like talking to me? first is like going on 2.. which you said it's like going on two years le.. well.. it's a bit.. haiz.. like you used to put nice nick about us.. but then it's like just going on 2.. now is fading.. i cant imagine what's next... haiz... tot u said you'll love me if i step down.. told me to rest assure... haiz.. i believe in it again.. but.. haiz.. i dont knoe...

haiz... i really feel like faintin now.. i think i'm really sick... God help me... haiz..

Thursday, June 23, 2005

if one day i see you on the streets.. and if i dont look at you.. dun question yourself why.. maybe it's best for me to keep my eyes close.. if i did.. i wouldnt have saw you...maybe it was true.. wat you've said.. maybe i should go.. so you'd be happy? did i make you happy when i step into your life? or did i make it worst? are you better off without me? i dont wanna destroy you any further... tell me.. if i am.. tell me if i am not for you... tell me if you need me no more.. dun leave me hanging here.. there's a world out there... but i'm here... hanging on to wat i think is real? is it real or sureal? tell me... is it difficult to please me? how about you? think you only gave with no receive.. think i receive with no giving? AM I NOT PERFECT ENOUGH? you take a good hard look at yourself and you think you can get any girl you want? do you treasure those who do not mind being with you? you're not exactly an " OH GREAT CATCH" ok... you're just a flirt who will never find a person who loves you anymore.. you've lost the one who loves you the most... cuz she's so less important compared to everything... you're sure a girl... fancy a guy like you so big but childish and not MAN enough!complain complain! want me to beg you back! you're not some princess or anything... if you wanna leave i wont stop you! although it hurts but if you feel that you'll be happier without me den go.. i'll set you free... and i'll learn to truth about your feelings towards me... maybe you didnt really love me in the first place... maybe you're just going through puppy love.. maybe a girlfriend to you is just someone to keep you out of loneliness... i realise i was being used all along... thank you...